I'm Sober When I'm Sad
by TheFluidThespian
Summary: After the events in Las Vegas, Logan is beating himself up on it. (Rated T for angst)


**Hey readers. I'm back with another story, and this was originally supposed to be another Suicidal!Roach one-shot, but since I've been in a kind of CoD: Ghosts mood all week, I figured I'd make this focused on family angst instead... So yeah. Without further ado, enjoy :33**

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How many bottles had it been? Three? Five? I couldn't keep track anymore, but I knew I had more than one. When I started with one bottle of strong beer, I already wanted another one, which surprised me considering I hated the taste of alcohol. But the bitterness of the drink tasted like nothing as one became too many, or it felt that way. What surprised me the most was that I could still think, and that's exactly why I started drinking. I wanted to cloud out my thoughts and forget the images. The memory of when I lunged out at the Ghost killer, thinking that I could put an end to him, played back in my head, followed by the images of making me shoot my own father in the chest. The sound of my brother's raging shouts echoed, and the last thing I saw before my mind played back the memory was watching our dad die right in front of us.

My breath hitched. I wanted to cry so fucking badly, but my eyes were dry and tear-free. I downed the last drops of alcohol out from the bottle before swallowing back the nausea. My head ached, but I could still see everything so clearly. I could try one more. Maybe just one more drink. I rubbed my head, but before I could push myself away from the table, I completely froze at the sound of my brother's voice coming from outside the door, "Logan? You in there?"

 _Oh fuck..._

 _God, he can't see me like this._

But there wasn't any time to cover up as Hesh walked right into the rec room. "Hey, there you are," Just the sound of his voice finally made me break, but I managed to control my cry by just looking away. "I've been looking for you-" Hesh stopped right there, and I heard him pick up one of the bottles off of the table. "What the-? Logan, have you been drinking?"

I didn't respond, and I closed my eyes, finally feeling the tears build up. Then he sighed, "Okay, you know what? Never mind. Why don't we just get you to bed, okay? C'mon."

Hesh helped me up to my feet, but it only made me shrink away. "Hey, what's the matter with you-"

"I..." I finally spoke, "I-I *hic*..."

"Logan, what is it?"

I finally broke, "I'm so fucking sorry."

Hesh didn't respond to that, and I continued, looking up at him, "It's all my fault, Hesh... I should've been stronger. I could've saved him, but... God, he's really gone and, fuck..."

"Hey, hey, easy," Hesh placed his hands on my shoulders before gently bringing us into a sitting position on the ground.

"I couldn't save him," I sobbed, "Now he's dead and... Dammit, I wish it was me! I wish I was shot instead of dad and-"

"Logan-"

"Hesh, I _fucked_ up so badly! And the worst part is that I let everyone down! Merrick, Keegan, you, everyone! _Dad..._ "

"Logan, hey, shh..." Hesh pulled me in, my head resting against his chest. I choked to say more, but all that came out were breathless sobs and shivers. God, I couldn't get it out of my head. I can still feel myself laying in a pool of our father's blood. I can still hear the gun shot that took his life. "Logan! Logan! Hey!" Hesh finally pulled away, making me look at him, "Hey, look at me! Breathe. Okay? Just breathe. Deep breathes."

I found that I was literally hyperventilating. After a few quaking deep breaths, I still had a racing heartbeat. But my breathing was steadier than before, and my head felt light yet it still had a pounding pain. "Hesh..." I whimpered.

"I'm here, baby brother," He wiped away one of my sliding tears with his thumb.

"Hesh, I... I hate myself so much..."

"Logan, listen," He began, and he made sure I was really looking at him, "We're going to be okay. It's going to be alright. But right now, we've just gotta stay strong. Okay? _You've_ got to be strong. That's what dad would want from us right now."

After a few deep breaths, the weight on my shoulders disappeared, but the migraine stayed. "Hesh," I cried softly, "Don't go... I don't want to lose you. I don't."

"Logan," Hesh pulled me in again, "You won't lose me. I promise. We'll stick together no matter what."

We pulled away. After crying, I felt somewhat better. But the headache grew stronger. I let out a deep sigh, rubbing my eyes.

"Logan," Hesh began, "Everything will be okay."

I nodded, looking up, "And we'll get him... We'll kill Rorke."

"Yes. We're not broken yet, baby brother, and we sure as hell are going to let him know."

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 **(Inhales) Well alrighty then... That was... My heart is still sinking after typing this XD But I hope ya'll enjoyed this ;33**


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